‘School Refusal’ or ‘School Can’t’? Helping your child to thrive again
When my own children stopped being able to go to school, I felt like my world was ending. As a teacher, I believed in our school system, and thought that I just had to try harder, or find a different school, or another program, and then they would magically reengage with school. Of course, this added stress and pressure for me to find a solution, and for my kids to conform and perform. Rather than being able to celebrate their extraordinary strengths and qualities, our family environment was one of hopelessness and failure. We tried every avenue, from different reengagement programs to unschooling, but nothing worked.
Only when I shifted my own mindset, did our situation improve. And no – my kids didn’t go back to school, but our family life started to be more relaxed, happier again.
Finally, I got to be the kind of supportive parent again that I had always wanted to be. I had to accept that there are kids who just don't learn the way that society prescribes, and by trying to force them into doing anything, we're just making things harder for them and for ourselves.
Of course, hindsight is 20/20, but I now know to trust in who my kids are. They are smart and strong, exactly the way they are. They have educated themselves to be extremely knowledgeable in many areas. Despite their challenges, they live their lives with passion and direction. I just had to let them.
I know it's hard to trust that things will turn out okay (after all, they might not). If you can take a deep breath, sit back, and acknowledge that you are doing the best you can, you will be stronger, more relaxed, and your family relationships can improve.
Our society doesn't support every individual's needs. By trying to fit our beautifully star-shaped kids into round, square, or triangular holes, we’re doing everyone a disservice. We’re taking away what makes them special and are dis-abling them.
If your kids can’t attend school, that isn’t your fault, and it’s not their fault either. All you can do is to look after yourself and your loved ones as best you can.
When you trust that your kids are doing their best, you can start to relax and listen. Refusing to go to school is their way of communicating their neurological differences and their need for safety. When their needs are met, your kids can start to thrive again. What that looks like, will depend on many variables, and it’s our job as parents to facilitate a way forward that feels safe and right for them.
Remember that it’s okay to trust, relax, and listen. When you do, your kids can thrive again. Allowing your whole family to flourish in a way that isn’t prescribed by societal norms is scary. It can feel like freefall. And sometimes it’s also the only possible way forward.
If you're facing a similar situation and want guidance or simply need someone to talk to, please get in touch. I'm here to help.
